This is where my moans and gripes now live. And I don't always look like that. 

Tesco car park, Merthyr Tydfil, after dark....

It’s the place to be, dudes.

There they are; all lined up, looking like a Hot Wheels convention organised by Fisher-Price. The young gentlemen in all the latest ‘street apparel’, appearing to forcefully and noisily ejaculate into their pants as they show others the new things attached to their cars. Sound systems, that probably cost a lot more than the car they’re in, blast out some sound-feltch that could rip your face off. A young ‘lady’ emerges from a car, and now we know what Stig of the Dump would look like in a drag queen contest. The cars are so close together that you’d struggle to get a rizla paper between them, and it would seem there’s plenty of those in most of the cars assembled, judging by the psychoactive haze upon the car park. It’s probably what led to at least one ‘dude’ thinking it’s possible to sex-up a Micra.

*RAIN THERAPY*

Given that we seem to have had the Atlantic dropped on us over the past few months, I’m waiting for a new, rain- based brain condition (..a “rain injury”, of sorts..) to emerge, with some catchy, funky new name.

*Yes, First Minister*

Here comes a new First Minister for Wales. The candidates haven’t half banged-on about “economic growth” and “stability”, which is lovely. But they seem to have forgotten about the backdrop...

The Brexit wrecking ball isn’t going to stop just because we’ve brushed it under the carpet. It’s still there, and it’s still wrecking. Good bloody luck with all that. Doing brain surgery on a rollercoaster would be a lot easier...

But, hey; you guys keep trying to nail that jelly to the wall..... the great unwashed suffer the consequences, anyway. It’s win, win, all the way.....

*MY FELLOW ‘MERKINS*

Please, America; don’t let the psychotic, evangelist right take hold. Please. Even the possibility of Drumpf reentering the arena is staggering idiocy and stupidity. He should be nowhere near high office. Or other humans, for that matter.....

24/2/24

2024....HOW IT'S ALL GOING....

It’s only mid February, and we’ve already got shitloads to unpack. It’s all the “new norm” , of course..

*LONG RANGE WEATHER FORECAST *

In a nutshell, “F*** knows. But it’ll usually be bad.”

Any more rain and we’ll either develop gills or simply dissolve.....

*MIDDLE EASTERN MESS*

Hate rules, man. With the big question being, what are they going to do once there’s nothing left to bomb and no one left to kill?

*UKRAINE*

As above.

*BRAVE BRITANNIA*.

When I say “brave”, what I really mean is “unbelievably stupid”. Relentless price rises, with no end in sight. Services decimated and the local retail sector disappearing quicker than socialists at a Labour Party conference. Much like our rights.

*ODDBALLS*

..And it’s back to watching Wales fanny around with a rugby ball again, just like the good old days.. but I do think this generation have a lot more of the “mongrel” about them, as Biggar put it. We rarely ‘go away’ in matches. Having said that, it’s Ireland, away, next, who no one in the NH can live with right now..

*PANTOMIME*

Serious question : Why??

*THE LIGHTS*

‘Seems that ‘light festival’ I’ve oft mentioned is now in overdrive.. at least, in my local area. I can now only describe the number of traffic lights as an “infestation”.

*F***ED UP FREEBIES*

Getting to the number of purchases needed for that “..here’s one for free!” is getting a lot harder. Particularly at Costa. It’s getting to the point that you’ll possibly die of old age before qualifying for that next free latte. Having said that, some of the stuff squirted out of their machines could make a corpse breakdance.

2/2/24

WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN.....

We all know that “certain official declarations” are often flowery lies, so here’s a random breakdown...

• OFFICIAL: “THERE WILL BE A PUBLIC CONSULTATION” (..on our ill-considered recommendations..) IN REALITY: We’ve already made the decisions, but we’ve got to appear as if we give a shit, so we go through this malarkey and simply ignore the results.

•

• OFFICIAL: “WE APOLOGISE FOR THE EXTENSIVE ROADWORKS IN YOUR AREA, BUT THEY ARE URGENT AND ESSENTIAL , SO PLEASE ALLOW MORE TIME FOR YOUR JOURNEY. WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE. “ IN REALITY: “No you don’t. No they aren’t. No we won’t. No you don’t.”

•

• OFFICIAL DATE SITE COMMENT:

“...with striking features”

IN REALITY: Horse frightener.

(There are many more examples, some of which can get you arrested)

• OFFICIAL: (Garage) “Your car should be ready tomorrow “

IN REALITY: (3 months later) “Can I have my car back now, or has it turned to f***ing dust?”

• OFFICIAL: (GOV) “WE’VE DONE A GOOD THING!”

IN REALITY: No you haven’t.

Conversely.....

- “WE DIDN’T DO THE BAD THING!”

- Yes you did.

• OFFICIAL: “WE HAVE LEFT YOUR PARCEL IN A SAFE PLACE”

IN REALITY: IN YOUR BIN (as in, the one you’re currently using)/propped up on your front door, maybe with a large sign saying “FREE STUFF”/Harpooned to the wall /Ebay.

• OFFICIAL: “THIS IS JUST A COURTESY CALL TO SAY...”

IN REALITY: “WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SELL YOU MORE STUFF OR FILL IN AN ONLINE SURVEY ABOUT HOW BRILLIANT WE WERE “

REVIEW of the F***ING YEAR.....

*THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS*

Cheers, 2023, you steaming pile of sh*t. Let’s see what peanuts of joy we can pull from this particular turd...

• Prices kept rising, but arguably not quite as fast as before. Which was very fast indeed.

• The weather clearly saved up the worst for the Christmas break. Scientists can’t work out where all the extra water’s coming from.

• Muppets continued to lurch the UK from one scandal or crisis to another. That bus that was on it’s way to those uplands fell into a ravine a long time ago, despite the fact they’re still partying on it and so blinded that they haven’t noticed that they ran out of booze two years ago. Or why the floor is on the roof....

• More countries jumping on the “WAR!!” bandwagon. A big relief; can you imagine the job losses in the defense industries without them?

• Things that shouldn’t even be on the same continent as ‘normal’ are now accepted parts of everyday life, as British society relentlessly marches back to the Victorian blueprint, with numerous Tory ministers soiling themselves at the prospect. With the increasing number of derelict commercial buildings, what better use to put them to than a workhouse! (Consider that our current reliance on tens of thousands of foodbanks was unthinkable twenty years ago, yet here we are...)

• As a nice garnish to the above dishes of doom, we have a generous serving of some of the best human qualities, like bigotry, racism and xenophobia, brought to you on an ornate plate of rampant jingoism.

• In short; if 2023 had been an animal, you’d have mercifully put it down by Easter.

So, 2024, what have you got in store for us? As usual, I’ll be as positive as I can......

• After the fifth severe storm of the summer and the sad loss of Tewkesbury, York, most of Somerset and Capel Curig, many people put their Christmas trimmings up by end of August. However, most people are completely done with Christmas by November.

• Lots more lovely wars to join in with, aswell as the ones we’re already enjoying. As if we’re looking at the climate/environmental crisis and offering to help with it.

• Donald Trump is installed as King of the World. Or something.

• The Wild West returns, only this time it’s planet-wide.

• All recreational drugs are legalised in a desperate, last-ditch effort to keep the electorate so off their tits that they don’t notice things getting even worse. In a sort of “we’re not REALLY eating Auntie Mabel , are we, daddy?” kind-of way.

• The Isle of Wight declares independence.

• Three new, unelected PMs are chosen, which could include a household pet, or a plant. Or anything.

• Aliens land for a chat. But we’re so busy f***ing everything up, we don’t notice.

• Reality finally, and completely, ceases to be an issue. Which is a massive issue.

So, before we all plunge our collective face into the deep fat frier of 2024, I wish you a Happy New Year, as many of us see out ’23 in our nightmarish new PJs, holding our Windolene-in-a-wine-glass, in front of an effluent pipe of TV and eating our own bodyweight in finger food, and either (a) collapsing due to the alcohol poisoning or (b) getting to midnight and deciding which of the five TVs to focus on and watch fireworks.. (..only to find out in the morning that you were actually watching The Sound of Music).

..and no “new year, new me” bollocks, please.

I’ll still be me tomorrow.

Thank you (and well done!!) for briefly dipping your brain into my annual montage of misery.

BLWYDDYN NEWYDD DDA!!

31/12/23

*NEWS EFFLUENT*

It’s not only our rivers and coast suffering from rampant dumping of waste and sewage, as, of course, our media has regularly provided us with poo pipes of news over the years, with the ultimate manifestation of this now being GB News; a fat-berg of poisonous misinformation, impervious to fact and truth. Like a fly to shit, it came as no surprise to see the latest addition to their presenting roster... Boris. Everything he fronts will be like an acid trip. Or far worse.

*WEATHER STUFF*

Just how mad does the weather have to get so that EVERYONE at least accepts “something’s up”, rather than a clever hoax rustled up by those fiendishly clever Chinese?

It’ll get to the point of needing a heads-up if the weather ISN’T going to be apocalyptic.

*SHOP QUEUE PHILOSOPHY*

You don’t expect to hear anything particularly profound in the queue at Home Bargains, but today.....

[Woman takes issue with the colour of friend’s shoes..]

Friend : “Everything’s buggered, and you’re bothered by my shoes? No wonder we’re in a state..”

...and I thought “Yes. This is where we are now”. It nicely encapsulated the whole, sorry picture. The feelgood factor in the UK is now stuck at Man Utd/England Cricket levels.

I echoed similar mindset driving home..

“Wow. Look at those colours of autumn.....

......like a Dulux chart of all the possible colours of shit”.

Ciao for now...

3/11/23

*PROMISES, PROMISES..*

Given how many “pledges” and “promises” the Tory Party have spewed out over the years that were clearly lies at the time they were announced, maybe it’s time for some re-branding...

Rushi Sunak, leader of the I-Promise-I-Won't-Cum-In-Your-Mouth Party, or; more aptly; the It-Was-Just-Resting-In-My-Account Party....

(...with “Keith Stormer”,of the We-Don't-Know-Who-We-Are Party, in opposition..)

*BEYOND BEDLAM*

We passed shit-in-your-pants levels of twattery and stupidity a long time ago... for example, imagine being in the middle of a global pandemic and thinking standing on your doorstep, banging saucepans and clapping enthusiastically will somehow be of practical help to those on the frontline....

..so next time you witness a terrible accident/disaster, just run up to it banging a saucepan with a spoon; hey presto, problem solved.

Now, it seems it doesn’t matter how stupid you can be- it’s all the norm.

Fertile ground, I feel, for the following......

• A reboot of Trumpton from Quentin Tarantino.

• Tailgating becomes requirement by law.

• The new UK flag isn’t a swastika, because it’s red, white and blue.

• Our leaders are baffled as to why clapping on your doorstep has no effect on new genital-wasting pandemic.

• Climate change : let’s get it done and dusted!

• Cats and dogs get the vote. And will probably make better choices.......

• Avengers 28 opens, but no one knows why..

• “In The Fight Garden”, a reimagining of popular BBC children’s programme, from Guy Ritchie.

• Stalemate in America’s civil war. Trump says he accidentally took some nukes to Mar-a-Lago, “mislaid” them (..like his brain..), but could find them again “..any time now”. Or things like that.

• All TV is now a mash-up of The One Show, Love Island, Eastenders, Scooby Doo, Bake Off and Panorama. With a dash of Naked Attraction on weekends.

10/11/23

*IT'S ALL BOLLOCKS*

*MAYBE....*

I wonder if the latest weather warning will actually turn out to be a thing..... forecasts seem to be increasingly pulled from the Met Office’s arse these days. May aswell let the Mail or Express issue the forecasts.

Speaking of which, they’ve not gone with their “Snowmaggedon” headline this year, so we probably need to worry.........

*IT’S HERE....*

The Christmas Express is already fully boarded and roaring down the tracks. It left the station weeks ago; the cue for two months of being punched in the face with tinsel and being convinced to buy several tons of shit that you’d normally only consider buying to win a bet. I have, however, managed to avoid THAT song so far; the voice frequently resembling an overpowered theramin at an orgy, the heaving bosoms like something from The Sky At Night, straining to burst out of that Santa suit..... next year, I may re-write it as “All I Want For Christmas Is .. The Sweet Release Of Death”. Not as catchy, but a lot more honest. Other songs could follow....

“Feck the Halls”, “Shite Christmas” and “Bing Bong Merrily We’re High” could follow.

*..AND A QUICK LOOK AT CURRENT AFFAIRS..*

Words can’t convey the wall-to-wall shittery and twattery on show. British politics now seem to be a simple contest of who’s worse...pass that rioja.......

17/11/23

*PIGS, PIGS, PIGS..*

I’m not sure what Braverman's aim was, other than trying to get the gammons on-side by attacking the “pigs”, but that’s an lovely segue to the new incumbent, who’s certainly got form when it comes to pigs. And a lot more besides.

Yes; like an untreated STI, he’s back; the arch plum-in-the-mouth dead pig botherer himself, David f***ing Cameron. Maybe not as nasty and sinister as his predecessor but could easily be just as dangerous, as the f***tacularly disastrous chain of events he started will attest to. You’d be hard pressed to find another PM who f***ed over the UK as much as he has.

When it comes to the Tories, we appear to always get evil and/or incompetent.

To be fair, we’re now so far down the Brexit rabbit hole that I don’t think any party can “fix” the situation, outside of reversing the entire process. The problem with shooting your own feet off is you’ll probably never walk normally again. I’ve not had this much fun since having my left testicle slowly eaten away by necrotising fasciitis.....

‘Better leave it there before I get going......

13/11/23

*THE GREGGS THAT TIME FORGOT*

My local Greggs.... where service is so slow, that you might evolve into a higher lifeform by the time you’re handed your steak bake..

“..well, I WAS f***ing human when I ordered it!”

*CRACKERS CRIMBO*

Already starting to get the first twitches of Festive Fatigue Syndrome, as the now annual two month roll-out is well underway. Quite a few houses are already covered in lights that can be seen from space. I’m already halfway to Easter by Christmas Eve... (..I can just see the dropped jaws at this one, for completely opposed reasons....)

*REGIONAL RUGBY*

CACK.

*THE WEATHER*

(*see above)

*SHE’S ALL THAT*

Braverman is at it again, as the UK just keeps sucking it up, like Noo-Noo cleaning all the Tubby Tory Custard as if we were created to do it. What an apallingly divisive human being; and certainly not the only one. The general vibe across the nation is like living in the head of a Man Utd supporter.

 Yes; that bad...

And you’d think we’d have figured it out by now: Mr Evil’s dearest and most trusted friend has always been Mr Apathy, and they go WAY back....

....lest we forget....

11/11/23

*NEWSFELTCH*

*NEWS EFFLUENT*

It’s not only our rivers and coast suffering from rampant dumping of waste and sewage, as, of course, our media has regularly provided us with poo pipes of news over the years, with the ultimate manifestation of this now being GB News; a fat-berg of poisonous misinformation, impervious to fact and truth. Like a fly to shit, it came as no surprise to see the latest addition to their presenting roster... Boris. Everything he fronts will be like an acid trip. Or far worse.

*WEATHER STUFF*

Just how mad does the weather have to get so that EVERYONE at least accepts “something’s up”, rather than a clever hoax rustled up by those fiendishly clever Chinese?

It’ll get to the point of needing a heads-up if the weather ISN’T going to be apocalyptic.

*SHOP QUEUE PHILOSOPHY*

You don’t expect to hear anything particularly profound in the queue at Home Bargains, but today.....

[Woman takes issue with the colour of friend’s shoes..]

Friend : “Everything’s buggered, and you’re bothered by my shoes? No wonder we’re in a state..”

...and I thought “Yes. This is where we are now”. It nicely encapsulated the whole, sorry picture. The feelgood factor in the UK is now stuck at Man Utd/England Cricket levels.

I echoed similar mindset driving home..

“Wow. Look at those colours of autumn.....

......like a Dulux chart of all the possible colours of shit”.

Ciao for now...

3/11/23

*JINGLE HELLS*

Despite it being October, Christmas decorations have been seen; all ready for the moment Halloween is over, no doubt. The council ones were all fitted weeks ago.

I’ve always thought that this kind of bollocks is a great barometer of the general state of our society- the worse things get, the earlier Christmas ‘starts’.........

In ten years or so, at present rate, I’m pretty much expecting festivities to start around July, with a new mental health issue becoming endemic by October: Festive Fatigue Syndrome; usually referred to as FFS. Net result? Christmas down the shitter.

Let’s Make Christmas Great Again?

Bah, humbug, indeed.

*BLUE PLANET III*

Amazing, eye-popping TV. Also depressing, as David yet again shows us all the things we’ll have exterminated within the next 50 years. What a grand job we’ve done.

*TAILGATERS: THE ENDLESS SAGA*

C***s. All of ‘em. Especially after some of the stunts I’ve seen pulled just today..

*THE SKYWATER SAGA*

No, not Star Wars, but the inordinate amount of rain set to fall this week. (..and not just this week...), Storm Ciarán being the current headline act. Cue the great street-games of “Where’s My Bin/Fence/Roof/Family?” on the weekend.... (..game type subject to location).

*UM...WHAT, NOW??*

Can you imagine being sacked for voicing thoughts against rampant death and destruction between two sides that simply just want to annihilate eachother? Well, imagine no more, as our ruling party now do just that! (Not forgetting the ever-growing mountain of other stuff they’ve done then denied...) They’re just so cuddly and comforting, like a teddy bear made of razor blades.

‘Hope y’all enjoying half-term, folks.....

31/10/23

*LOOK HOW FUNNY I AM*

I do struggle with those cars that look like they’ve been pimped by Fisher-Price and have stickers proclaiming “ZERO F***S GIVEN” , emblazoned on the rear window...

It may aswell say “COMPLETE C*** AND PROUD OF IT”.

*RETURN OF THE URC*

Yep. It’s back. And from a Welsh perspective, the expected catastrophe did, indeed, unfold.

*WANKERS’ BONUS*

News that was as welcome as a genital wart; the removal of the bankers’ bonus cap. As if that wasn’t enough, the Daily Fail reports it as a “Brexit victory “, presumably in the same way that being kneecapped is a victory for crutches.

*MORE WANK....*

The day was made more bearable by seeing a article where that loveable moral abyss, Piers Morgan, was referred to as “..you huge pile of wank”.

*CAR WANK...*

And finally, my beleaguered car is back in my possession, but only after a typicall MOT rinsing from a dealership. To be honest, it was more of a power-wash than a rinse. Thank god the CPU was ok or I’d be down a kidney by now........

Come on, Argentina!!!! 😉😉😉

27/10/23

THIS IS THE NEWS.......?

“100th CONSECUTIVE FALSE THUNDERSTORM WARNING FOR SOUTH WALES”

“DRIVING A LITTLE FASTER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SQUISHED CHILDREN, POLL CONFIRMS”

“SUNAK GIVES SPEECH ON HOW EVERYTHING WAS SO MUCH MORE EFFICIENT IN 1930s GERMANY”

“EXCLUSIVE: ‘I’M GLAD I’M NOT BRITAIN’, SAYS CESSPIT “

“SCIENTISTS ADMIT: ‘WE CANNOT EXPLAIN ENGLAND BEING IN A SEMIFINAL’ “

“SCOTLAND NOW A COLLECTION OF ISLANDS”

“HOLY LAND, OR HOLE-Y LAND? WE FIND OUT WHO THE BADDIES ARE”

...and how nice to see the human race selflessly help out the planet by trying to accelerate the speed of our own destruction by trying to annihilate eachother...

Every little helps...

20/10/23

AAAAAARGH

*YOOF OF TREE-‘ARRIS*

Aaaah, look... all those Treharris kids. Outside; fresh air; enjoying themselves...

But then you get closer, and a few things become very clear....

(a) Most of them are off their tits, judging by the smell...

(b) It sounds as if they’re being sponsored per swear-word.

(c) Those phones are still welded into their palms.

It’ll be fun running into them in about 30 years’ time; pot-bellied hunchbacks, with hands like Alien face-huggers and tiny, “piggy” eyes. Although some of the luckier ones might get work starring in Tool videos.....

*THE TORY EXPRESS*

It left the rails ages ago. The carriages are in bits. The engine’s knackered, it’s on fire, and the driver (plus the previous four..) doesn’t actually know how to drive a train. But it somehow keeps moving. Can we put a bomb under it soon? Figuratively speaking, of course..........

*WALES AT THE RUGBY WORLD CUP*

Let’s face it; the boys have already hugely exceeded all expectations. A semifinal beckons.....and that’s when it’ll definitely go a bit wonky against the teams that are on a completely different level to the rest of the field. Ireland are looking imperious, never mind the French. England v Wales playoff, maybe?? Tasty. (..and quick recovery, Mr Faletau!)

But having said all that, you never know..............

*CARS*

The MOT is almost due. I’m hugely understating here, but there’s more chance of me getting a blowjob from a mermaid on top of Yr Wyddfa than there is of it passing.

....AND FINALLY....

Great to see this trend of declaring national/international celebratory days for people who have a f***ing name...... Not much hope for us, is there?

Pob lwc, bois .....

*PEOPLE OF THE WEEK*

Suella Braverman :

As warm and inviting as an ice bath filled with razor blades. Distilled nastiness in human form.

Lawrence Fox :

A broken, malfunctioning jizz-accident with a brain so twisted it probably looks like fusilli. Which would be an insult to pasta.

...and Dan Wootton :

Form an orderly queue, ladies... cut from the same cloth as Foxy, above, he is to journalism what Hitler was to multiculturalism.

...and the rest of the GB News cesspit.

Eddie Jones :

Always pays to be careful what country you call “a sh*t little place”. He’s good entertainment, though; despite being able to out-bell-end many others.

Conversely..

Warren Gatland :

At the next Q&A , he’ll be turning water into wine. Or the fish thing. And it’ll all be fine and dandy until we next string a few losses together, at which point, fickle Welsh fans will want him crucified. Again.

...and Jac Morgan :

Probably a rugby-programmed terminator sent from the future to help Welsh rugby survive. So explosive that he could probably blackout half a city with an EMP when he gets going. It’s f***ing daft how good he is.

*..and... THE UK : HOW IT’S ALL GOING*

Oh, f***ety arse nuggets.........

...at least the golf’s on, eh?

29/9/23

I've been away a while, so I wonder what’s been going on.........?!

Oh, my f***ing life......

*SLOW DOWN*

Much of Wales loses its collective shit over new speed limits, in spectacular fashion. A Gammon-fuelled petition is doing the numbers (..with an awful lot clearly coming from beyond our borders..), drenched in anger. It’s one of the great ironies of our society that most of the folk that are the first to shout “sheeple!”and the likes are the ones most easily herded by the powers-that-be. These things are precisely what they want you to be angry at. Meanwhile, elsewhere, the blue suits keep rolling out policy that’s the equivalent of ripping your head off and shitting down your neck. The latest is the watering-down/removal of (more) environmental laws. It’s absolutely f***ing incredible that a speed limit reduction means more to people than their kids mutating into some kind of terrifying new species, after a visit to the beach. Or extinction. But that’s our kids’ problem, not ours. Happy days!

*WRONG BRAND*

I think many people feigned surprise at the revelations of rape and assault. Particularly those “in-the-know”. Regardless of guilt, here’s something else to get us looking the other way..

It’s unfortunate nothing could be done at the time the allegations happened, notwithstanding more red flags than a rally in Beijing.

*SUMMER NO MORE*

It would appear summer is well and truly over. However, as we now have an officially mental climate ( that has nothing to do with that climate change hoax, of course), anything could happen in the coming weeks, including summer suddenly returning. Or raining fish.

 A week is now a very long time in the life of a weather forecaster.

22/9/23

*SHAPPY DAYS*

We could have a monthly sweepstake on what Government post Grant Shapps next takes up, as he seems to be aiming for a “full house” of all available positions, bar Prime Minister. But never say never.......
He must give a cracking interview..
Meanwhile, racist, xenophobic, thuggish, far right bile duct Lee Anderson's main defense at people pointing out that he’s a c*** is to imply that everyone else is as bad, or worse. Particularly those ‘woke lefties’.
Good for you, you foghorn of hate.

*MEANWHILE, IN AMERICA..*

This absolutely mad Trump fiasco rumbles on..... as deranged as it gets, and then some..

But it’s worth noting that his whacko, empty-headed lunatic followers are mostly armed to the teeth with weapons more suited to the battlefield , rather than your local neighbourhood, as his rhetoric gets even more aggressively bonkers. Here’s a guy so immersed in his own narcissism that he’d happily plunge his own country into civil war for his own, vain, desperately insane gratification. God knows it’s happened enough throughout history.

But that mugshot, though......

Like something peering out from under a rock...

He means to look like he really means business. But it looks more like he’s squeezing out some particularly stubborn business. He’s always looked like a collection of ill-matching spare parts from broken people.

*LUNARCY*

A great achievement for India this past week. But, sadly and predictably, the racist memes and gifs; particularly in the UK; weren’t far behind, flooding social media. Part of the sad, desperate “Look! Squirrel!!/Look! Immigrant!!” strategy that seems to pervade everything these days.

*DUMB DUMB DORRIES*

Goodbye to a politician that could’ve been out-thought by her shoes. She is a logic-vacuum. Her interview with the Mail can be subtitled as an “Interview with a brain injury”. She frequently paused, with the look of someone who’s slowly realising their car’s been stolen. A household pet could’ve done a better job.

Notice that this; and many other things; are now normalised and part of serious discourse, rather than, rightly, not being actual things and not being tolerated for an instant. Yet here we are......

There’s a song that declares, “The only way is up!”, but if only the UK and US had any inkling which way that is..

*WHOOPSIES*

The Conservative Party will henceforth be known as The Inadvertent Party, due to them “inadvertently” doing all manner of bad things , which they’re terribly sorry about. Because it was inadvertant and unfortunate. Even when they meant it. Or something.

1/9/23

*RWC23*

A large number of Welsh fans are looking forward to this like a raging case of gonorrhoea. Or if actually attending, will quickly wish they had gonorrhoea, probably just after the Fiji game.......

*QUORA*

What a fantastically mad box of frogs this site is! Most who post questions fall into one of two groups; trolls, or people with the IQ of a breeze block.

Most of the theological questions posted are hysterical or simply nonsensical. Or both. Logic and rationale are often routinely ignored. “The Ascent of Man” was landmark TV; Quora seems to mark the descent....

*20mph: the sequel*

Well, it’s here now, but I’ve noticed a couple of things; at least, in the local area..

A noticeable number of drivers slow to 12- 15mph, presumably to “make sure”. Cue : queues. Bloody long ones.

Conversely, a proportion of drivers disregarding it completely. The Merthyr valley, in particular, must be generating a f***-ton of revenue as it’s lined with those new “we-can-see-your-genitals” hi-tech cameras....

I wonder how many delivery drivers then put pedal to metal once out of the zones, due to their perceived longer journey times?

We’ll know more in the Autumn – you know; when the riots start...

*RHYMNEY BUSES*

Some locals are praising recent services being taken over by local youth drivers.

Mr Cledwyn Machynlleth of Ffordd Pen-ôl, was impressed,

“Best service in years! We got to Asda in record time... door to door! Well, more like door to window, but hey...

There was the unfortunate incident with the wheelchair rally, but I think they’re all ok”

*CABLE CAR KERFUFFLE *

(*trigger alert)

Great news on the cable car rescue in Pakistan; everyone safe. It was lucky that a deity was right on the scene to coordinate the rescue operation. Meanwhile, in other provinces, countless people die from landslips/ floods/malnutrition/disease. If only there was a complaints procedure; Mr Deity would be getting his P45 in no time, despite the cable car big show for the media....

(*names changed due to risk of jihad)

Please have a peaceful, fulfilling day........

*I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE*

I’m pretty sure there’s established etiquette/rules on bikes on our roads, and I’m pretty sure it’s not zigzagging across the road in front of cars. My trip up the valley, earlier, was like a Buster Keaton clip.

*YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP🏉*

Welsh Rugby has never been a thing to follow expectations..

A few months ago, we were a laughing stock and coming out of a crappy 6 Nations as no-hopers. Now, pundits are speculating that we could go far in the RWC. With the return warm-up fixture with England tomorrow, we’ll know a lot more. But even so, Gatland may be a Jedi. You know; for real and stuff. If we get to the latter stages, he can change his name by deed poll to Skywalker. Or Jar Jar Binks, if the wheels come off..

*IMMERGRUNTS*

All going well, I see...

After 13 years of the Tories taking a wrecking ball to the entire system, they’ve got things to where they want them to be; chaos, confusion and conflict.. and you’ve got to admit, in terms of divide and rule, they may have perfected it. With Labour not quite knowing what it is anymore, the Cons have free reign. And they know it, hence their chairman’s recent “patriotic” and immensely constructive comments regarding foreigners,as if straight out of a back room of The Fourth Reich Inn, Dover... and the world looks on, stupefied, as we appear to be shouting; “WE’RE ABSOLUTE F***ERS, AND WE’LL KEEP PROVING IT! YOU’LL SEE!!”

What a time to be British.

*”..BUT I ALWAYS TACKLE LIKE THAT..”*

Yes. That’s the f***ing point. Fast-forward to 6 Nations reports.....

“Owen Farrell gets ‘a very stern look’ from the ref after decapitating opposite number with sword”.

Let’s hope World Rugby's appeal gets some sanity back in all this. It’s just bloody wrong.

*TRUMP: 2024*

Oh my f***ing life..

But why not? Given how nuts everything is right now, it shouldn’t come as a shock. Just looking at “X” (..and that’s another story...) and the “mugshot” threads, there are clearly enough disenfranchised, angry simpletons out there to get the Orange Turd back into the White House. He is a car crash in human form. His latest “vlog” is something to behold; he just vomits words from his mouth, spewing unintelligible, lunatic trash-talk nonsense. He is all over this like a rash. Presumably the kind of pustulating rash you get with some STIs .

As usual, then...

*FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS*

The Merthyr valley is going all-out this summer. A few well-placed 3 and 4-way traffic light systems are giving people opportunity to soak-up that valley vibe. Watch feral children strip a car in record time. Marvel at the local crackhead trying to get to their next hit (..don’t make eye contact, or you can kiss goodbye to your wing mirrors and/or windscreen/windows..). The dressing gowns and pyjamas on doorsteps will be like a guard of honour, warmly welcoming you to the seventh circle of hell....

*SUMMER?*

Yeah. Don’t know what happened there. It’s almost as if the climate is f***ed.

*ALL HAIL THE MAIL!*

A Daily Mail reader’s list of stuff that proves it’s all a success.........

• Our shit-pissy beaches will only strengthen the immune systems. At least for those who survive.

• A block of butter costing you a kidney can only improve peoples’ fiscal responsibility.

• With local businesses going down like Prince Andrew in a convent school, it’ll leave only the strongest to carry us to those lush, verdant uplands of world-beating products. Like jam and Nazi memorabilia.

• A complete ban of all things Harry and Megan, with total exoneration for Andrew and the alleged noncery, seeing as “they were all begging for it, and forced me to”.

• The bowel-loosening rising prices across the entire picture will ensure the great unwashed will work harder for once, giving real backbone to this great, wonderful, superior country of ours.

• Now we can do whatever we want with the law, and get rid of all that “woke” nonsense. And a great deal of other stuff we simply don’t need.

• More backbone-strengthening stuff where you can relive that Dunkirk spirit by standing/sitting in huge queues at any port/airport, where things could kick-off at any second, like a Stuka attack.

...and for balance.....

• But I’m sure we all share our completely non-racist shock and horror at the terrible fire and sinking of the Bibby Stockholm. Next Wednesday.

• Epic celebratory Oswald Moseley 6-page pullout, to add to your shrine.

• UNDERCOVER: We sent our reporters to find out, “Who are the Celtic people?”. An in-depth report on these historically troublesome and dangerous peoples who all have syphilis, a low IQ and want to do irrational stuff with your family pets.

• Prize draw: Win 5 tickets to visit a Centerpark for 30 minutes. (Gym, spa and pool use not included)

• Coming soon: EXCLUSIVE: “The Holocaust : Why didn’t they finish the job? ..if it even really happened?? We uncover the alternative facts, or something.”

*🎵THE GILLS ARE ALIVE....🎶*

Another weekend washout beckons.... probably...

I add that, because recent weather forecasts seem to have been pulled out of someone’s arse. A recent yellow weather warning resulted in probably the best day of that week. Maybe the weather is now so f***ed-up that it’s broken all their computers.

*SHIT ON IT!*

I see much gnashing of teeth in the UK when it comes to trade, and, indeed, travel. Funny, that. Now what could be turning our international trade/travel into the equivalent of satan’s arse-water? With all those lovely knock-on effects across society? Apparently, the official, and thus, correct answer is “the EU. And immergrunts. And other shouty soundbites with all your favourite words, like ‘woke’, ‘lefties’ and ‘remoaners’”

*ORANGE TURD & CO.*

The mad, orange man-tumour fiasco keeps rolling along, across the pond...

For anyone with at least two connected braincells in their head, it’s utterly incomprehensible that any of this could possibly be happening. The levels of reality-aversion are stunning. Dunning-Kruger never had it so good..

But; boy; does it get ratings and sell papers.........

*ENOUGH*

A few bits ‘n’ bobs that we could mostly do without at the moment.....

• Given that we already have our own insanity, madness and misery on-tap and in plain sight, can you conspiracy theorists not ladle a shitload more on top? Things are vastly f***ed-up as it is, without you lot piling in.

Many Thanks.

• Most billionaires. Particularly Murdoch; a skidmark on the gusset of humanity.

• PRIME energy drinks. I have witnessed the feral behaviour it can beckon..

• The Conservative Party (..also known as “the far-right”.). Or politicians in general, maybe.....

• Brighthouse...bloodsucking b*****ds.

• Movie remakes/”reboots”. In 50 years’ time, Marvel conventions will only have room for all the actors that have been in Spiderman films....

• Piss-poor weather. (..but we all know what’ll happen the second they go back to school....)

• Nigel Farage, whatever he’s doing/saying, at any time. Another skidmark..

...I must stop there, for I feel I’m about to “get on a roll”, and that’s no good for anyone, is it? I mean, it’s only Monday....

*NOTHING TO SEE HERE..*

You’ve got to love The Tories’ approach to voters and environment (..nevermind their clear disdain of the law...),

“We’ll make sure of your impending doom, but we’ll also make sure a few treats come your way as you slowly die in unimaginable agony”, presumably some Wetherspoons offers, or free admission (via The S*n..) to a themed Pontins weekend at Brean Sands, where you can experience what it’s like living in a poorly-run drug den, complete with hairy bathroom, food microwaved to shit and back, and ‘needley’, pre-soiled beds, (to save you the trouble).

 What’s not to like, eh?

*BURN, BABY, BURN*

A recent hospital appointment had me sitting in the waiting area, sitting opposite four Mail/Express readers.

Given the presently grim state of the country; ably aided and abetted by these rancid foghorns of lies, hate and division, I felt the urge to set fire to the lot of them. I would have had no regrets.

Well, at least not until my arrest.

*SUMMER’S HERE?*

Yay. School’s out for summer!

But, lo, the heavens did open verily and didst pisseth upon the land and it’s peoples. A great wail of anguish went up, saying “It’s like f***ing November!” and there was much staring through windows and gnashing of teeth.

Meanwhile, in southern Europe.......

*EXPRESS JUSTICE*

You know when The Express/ Mail et al print exceedingly nasty lies on their front pages, yeah? And you know the occasional “punishment” they receive for printing all this damaging horse-shit, yes??

Well, why don’t we bring that whole approach to the justice system at large? It’ll be brilliant.....

JUDGE: Aah, been doing a spot of murder, have we?

DEFENDANT: No, your honour; the eight people accidentally and repeatedly fell on my knife. Over the space of three months. Mainly in my garden shed. I did put up a warning sign..

J: Yes. Of course... Now you know the penalty for this kind of thing, don’t you? We’ll need to see that very small and very insincere apology in the back of Autotrader by next week, and we’ll forget about it all. Just try to make things a little less stabby in future, or we’ll just have to keep doing this.

That’ll work..........

*PROUD NATION*

You see it on tap, now; the pictures of ecstatic looking people in one of the thousands upon thousands of Foodbanks across the country...

“Now EVERYONE in our village can eat!”

Firstly, a huge nod has to go to these people who are helping. But, secondly, it’s a clear window to a failed state. There’s nothing “normal” about Britain now. But we always accommodate the new “normal” with a stiff upper lip, as we drift further and further away from anything remotely rational, logical or fair. All led by a group of people who are supremely conniving and incompetent by turns...

Happy days...

*S*N-BURN*

The S*n. A rancid, festering sphincter of spiteful, hateful misinformation that seems to constantly shit over anything it comes into contact with. It’s like news-Ebola, but without all the fun. Stop buying it. Make it go away. Let’s keep bloodying the nose of that cadaverous, hate-mongering shit-stain that is Rupert Murdoch. I find it distasteful to celebrate death in any way, but he may be an exception.

*HATE BRITAIN*

Welcome to the UK! Unless you’re an immigrant. Especially the ones with darker skin. They’re not so good, apparently. British=Shittish.

It beggars belief what Britain has become.

Ugly.

Nasty.

Cruel.

In view of the pushed narrative, Let’s face it; statistically, you’re far more likely to be stabbed in the head by Creepy Keith from the end of the street, who’s tortured small animals since he was 10 and has a huge collection of Nazi memorabilia in his attic, than a Syrian bloke who’s not a great fan of being killed to bits by bullets and bombs.

‘Same applies to the “foreign grooming gangs” stuff- far more likely that your local priest is way more into “extra-curricular childcare” than people fleeing death.

Welcome to the Prickish Isles.....

*..and, for some levity....*

The planet’s in terminal decline. ‘Giving us a nudge’ on the matter doesn’t appear to work, so Mother Nature seems to be gearing-up for some serious payback for all our ongoing twattery.

Massive wildfires? Searing temperatures, everywhere? Huge floods? Famine? Collapsing ecosystems/ food chains??

What’s not to like?

More hilarity next time............

*WEATHER BINGO*

These days, you can go to bed needing that extra layer, but wake up with your face melted onto the pillow. Of course, this is all completely normal. Some of the Met Office's local forecasts seem to have been obtained by tombola, or they basically declare anything could happen.

*THE HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET: PART 2*

It just gets evermore bizarre.......

Recent highlights include the frequent dumping of random toys into our garden, kicking the metal fence for long periods while staring, talking and singing into powertools and broom handles when alone in the garden and dumping lots of pebbles in our front garden.

A recent exchange with the young lady kicking the fence as she stared at me putting the washing out.....

“Hello. What’s your name?”

           “Tony”

“This is my dolly!” (soon to be launched over the fence)

           “That’s nice, what’s her name?”

“Tony”

*PISS POOR POLITICAL PRICKERY*

What in the name of arse has politics become? Certainly, since The Con of the Century, it’s become even more of a cesspit of nonsensical, reality-averse hysterics from people who could be out-thought by their shoes. Nadine Dorries comes across as what’s left if you remove everything useful from a brain. “Most Ironically Named MP” Award goes to James Cleverly, whose head clearly has an event horizon. Even Sunak, who seemed he could, at least, sound ministerial, appears to have adopted the same word-shittery as Boris; that malicious random word generator crossed with blancmange.

*CACK-OPHONY*

‘Might need soundproofing in some staff toilets, after enjoying the sounds of a barrel organ being crushed in a swamp, from a neighbouring cubicle. I did consider 999 at one point. Their arse must’ve been like torn curtains in the wind..

*VANISHING POINT*

The present Conservative administration.....

Fair play to the soulless denizens of greed and avarice, but they’ve done a grand job on the NHS, insofar that it’s now a self-sustaining moneypit that’ll gobble up what’s left of itself. Bravo, you Satanic shitheads.

*MOANING MORSELS*

*VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED*

A drive through a Valleys town this afternoon was joyous. The Stone Age with iPhones........

*HEATWAVE TALES*

Polyester. Ab-fuh-so-ucking-lutely “no”. Generates odours that will physically attack you. And others.

*THE HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET*

Our neighbours’ kids exhibit some bizarre and troublesome behaviour; somewhere between potential animal torturer or serial killer and village idiot. To be fair, they can identify as whatever they want these days. 

*IT'S A MYSTERY*

(...questions we need answering in 2023)

• Why does anyone photographing/ videoing ghosts or UFOs suddenly forget how to operate a camera or have a seizure?

• Why do so many managers have a lower IQ than their suit?

• (Apply the above to politicians..)

• Why didn’t we Brits learn anything when we lived in a Victorian society the first time around?

• Boris Johnson. Why?

• What is the point of existence?

• Why does behind your ear smell so weird?

• Where did logic go?

• How, in the name of all f***s, can Donald Trump return????

And finally..

• How am why is that where wasn’t there what?

*DRIVERLESS WANK MACHINES*

It’s interesting, following this drive toward driverless cars. I can think of a few people who would be far safer on an automated road system, but there again, millions would miss the actual, satisfying act of driving the car. You’d need something to compensate..

..and what better than the Wankatron, that pops out of the dashboard, and gets busy on you while you’re stuck in gridlock because the server went down. You’ll arrive at your destination with a big, lazy smile on your face, albeit a little tired. And moist. 

*hUlK SMASH!*

There is a certain duality between our government and the Marvel franchise, insofar as they are both ridiculous works of fantasy, but the difference is that Marvel posesses a moral compass. I think that suitably underlines the insanity of it all. 

*OH, WHAT NOW??*

(written after discovering my car is gravely ill...)

*CWPAN Y BYD*

Great news for Abercwmboi 3rds this week, as it increasingly looks like they’ll be representing Wales at the RWC, due to the WRU not knowing its arse from its elbow.

*CARS*

No, not the Pixar animation. See above. Fords, inparticular. And I never knew a car could have THAT many fault codes yet still drive......

*LET’S GET COOKING...*

With the polar regions now screaming “WE ARE GOING TO F*** YOU UP! YOU KNOW, FOR REAL AND EVERYTHING!” we give our classic response of ......... ‘whatever’.

Humans. So dense, we should be able to bend light. Let’s face it, it’s probably the only thing we haven’t yet mangled and shat on. 

Aliens: “ If they get past Mars, press the big red button”

*TRUMPLAND*

Yeah.... he’s still there, bobbing around like a turd that won’t flush. A related theme park would be incredible, where everything either works in the opposite way to intended, doesn’t work at all or isn’t even there but you have to pretend it is; if you don’t, they’ll storm your house in outlandish gear and waving the ‘merkin flag, and maybe shooting some of your family. 

*CARS. PART 2*

‘Garage have just rung. As a last resort, they dropped it off a cliff. To be fair, the air-con's sorted but the steering’s “a bit out”. They said “..a new paint job and you’d never know” . 

*WRU, WHAT R U?*

Welsh rugby’s stock is not so much falling, as hurriedly tunnelling to the Earth’s core.

“If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them... maybe avoid calling The Nay Team”

*SUMMER ABLAZE*

Oh, look. South Wales is on fire again. Well done, brainless shits.

*A HEALTHY DIS-ARSE-TER*

I’m not sure if it’s a Welsh thing, but entering the bathroom after someone’s particularly vicious cacky-doody-tastrophe, people of a certain vintage are known to exclaim,”Good god, they’re healthy!!”, as demonstrated between my mother and the little ‘un.

Where else in life would you ever equate good health with the odour of a rotting corpse? Fascinating. And terrifying.

*NOT OK, UK..*

Each week, there seems to be an “anything can happen. And it probably will “ vibe going on...

I mean, Tories are now just shouting about their underhand ways from the rooftops.. Jacob Grease-Smaug; that bastion of truth, justice and fair play,re- confirmed a few things, amongst others..

• He doesn’t care. Or doesn’t realise he doesn’t care. Or; probably; he doesn’t care that he doesn’t care. To him, we’re all a lower form of life. Shitgibbon.

• You’d be hard-pressed to find a more ungodly Christian if you tried.

• He really, truly thinks we’re all thick as shit. No; not all, you malignant Victorian caricature of conniving Conservative cock-womblery. He has all the empathy and warmth of a nasty fungal infection ,and although we can see and hear him, he lives in a dimension where ethics and morality don’t exist; where all reality bends to him, no matter what insane, logic-averse bilge oozes from his plum-filled, Victorian cakehole.

• They posited that Corbyn would’ve taken us back to the 70s. But now we have a bloke who'd come in his pants if we went back to the 1870s.

*THIS ISN'T THE NEWS*

*MAIL/EXPRESS HEADLINES, and what the reality is..*
“CURE FOR ATHRITIS/PARKINSON'S/CANCER IN FIVE YEARS”

...considering they’ve been using similarly cruel and ghastly front pages for the last twenty years or so, that’s pretty horrific. Imagine....
In the far future, Brian; a bee; discovers the old headlines....
“Holy honeycombs.... how could a species get it THAT wrong???”

“ANYTHING REMOTELY EMPATHETIC IS ‘WOKE’”

Yep. It’s damned unpatriotic and you’ve got to be cruel to be kind. In a sort -of “work makes free” kind of way....

“LOOK AT HOW SEXY THE TEENAGE STAR LOOKS IN HER BIKINI. WE’LL JUST FAWN OVER IT FOR A WHILE..”

Nope nope nope. That is not the reality required, ffs. Rename “The Prince Andrew Column”.

*THE WEATHER WILL DO <THIS>!!!!!*

Plan for the exact opposite. Maybe; just maybe; the “Snowmaggedon” headline will eventually be right. But they need to get a shift-on, before we’re extinct.

*WITHOUT THE ROYALS, THERE IS NOTHING..*

Except slightly less threat to teenage girls, maybe.

Times are hard. And in one Valleys town, inparticular; these would be more accurate names for these businesses......

• Shit-on-a-Plate Cafe.

• Won’t-be-here-next week-because-all-our-stock-is-stolen Shop.

• “I Wouldn’t Give It to my Worst Enemy” Gift Stall (usually in the local market). Also known as “WTF Maxx”.

• Patient Zero Barbers.

• “We Know F***-all About Them, Too!” TV Shop. (..sometimes called “Currys”....)

• Pandora.* (no need to change; the box is open..........)

• “Suck On This Shit” Vape Shop.

• “ Drugs Money R Us” (Cash Generator, etc)

• “We Carnt Spel Wurdz”- applies to too many shops to mention.....

• The Great Escape Funeral Parlour.

...and not forgetting..

• The Vajazzled Orc. (Either a pub or a beauty salon)

A WEEKEND TO CROWN ALL OTHERS!

CONSERVATIVES, CORONATIONS AND CATASTROPHY

That’s pretty much everything in a nutshell, this week.

The Mail and Express offices drown in their own jingoistic froth, and GB News has an “heir-gasm” live on air.

Taxpayers’ money (..quite a lot of it..) is pissed against the wall to pop a shiny hat on a bloke, whilst millions of us give a big f***ing thumbs-up to a vicious class system that’s been rogering Britain’s arse since time immemorial. But times, they are a-changing, and maybe that KY jelly of serfdom is running out..... and I’ve lost a day’s pay......

It should’ve been done privately. Via Zoom. Or Teams.

A viral clip from none other than Question Time has been doing the rounds. A clearly “woke”, “lefty snowflake” gives honest, clear, rational, concise but razor-sharp critique of the current administration. The Tory minister on the panel barely looks up; but mainly down at the desk, sneering at comments. She should have, at the very least, keyed his car after filming. Which would have been a charitable reaction, in context. Her main point was the ever-widening gap between what the Tories are saying and the experienced reality for much of the public.

I would’ve gone a little further, with a reassuringly familiar patter afterwards, in kind......

“I assure you, you haven’t been knee- capped, your house hasn’t been reposessed, I haven’t got all your food and money, and that’s not a red-hot poker up your arse”

Come to the UK: The Land of Make-believe.... but, for breweries, at least, more depressed alcoholics is good for business.... silver linings, eh? 

THE UNBEARABLE SHITENESS OF BEING......IN THE UK.....

• Most things are a bit f***ed-up. And then some...

• A government so openly corrupt and truth-averse, that I’m convinced working class supporters would still have their backs even if they beat them up, shagged their other half and burned their house down.....

• Oh, yeah; the planet; being a very lowly 2nd place behind ‘profit’.............

• ....speaking of which, Elon's attempts at colonising outer space are going well... and if ever there was a thing that gave you the ultimate bang-for-your-buck....

....so let’s hope he never gets to launch the rest of his giant space-dildoes and totally f*** outer space aswell.

...and another commentator was bang-on the money when they described Musk looking like “the corpse of Rami Malek if they pulled him from a lake”..”

• Oh good. A coronation. Mail and Express offices ready for a mass orgasm. GBNews drowns in its own ghastly, jingoistic froth....

• How repulsively predictable..

  Lovely to see Murdoch’s Malignant, Maliciously Myopic, Machiavellian Ministry of Misinformation, Misery and Mangled Media pushing the narrative that those striking for better pay & conditions are the villains of the piece (..again). And focusing on children..

.. ‘probably printed on paper from Satan’s personal stationary cupboard. I used to wonder how some of the hacks slept at night, but then realised it’s not an issue if your soul is missing..

• And good luck to the Scarlets.... god knows Welsh rugby needs something to be happy about......

Enough pep talk from me, enjoy your coronation weekend, plebs........

*THIS WEEK, I ‘AVE MAINLY NOTICED...*

• THE JOY OF SERVING THE PUBLIC.....

[Co-op.. and all I needed was the security box removed from the steak I’d just bought...]

My “inner narrative”:

“I say, my good woman, but it appears you are mightily aggrieved at removing the security measures placed around the impressive piece of meat I have presented to you, and releasing it from it’s bonds... If you are most unhappy in your duties, o yellow-haired, nicotine-stained crone, may I suggest a line of work outside of the retail sector. One where your attempted “smile” would look less like a tear in upholstery...”

• THE FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS..... There’s one at least once a year in the Merthyr Valley. Where a multitude of traffic lights suddenly appear, EVERYWHERE. And often in the school holidays. They must have to fill a quota, or something........

• PHONEY BEACH...

‘Not sure what they’re trying to achieve in Porthcawl. The funfair is soon to be consigned to history. But now, as you drive into the Town, there’s a massive Aldi in front of the funfair site that practically jumps out at you, hiding the view to Southerndown Cliffs. Looking for silver linings, I suppose you can now buy relatively cheaper snacks for your picnic on the turd-infested beach, behind, and marvel at all the unaffordable housing being built on the old site....

• JENKINS ‘N’ GIN...

Go get Katherine Jenkins’ new line of gin....

...and if you’re off to her concerts, drink two bottles beforehand, giving you an outside chance of listening to something akin to ‘music’, rather than audio arsewater..

*FANNY-HAMMERED*

Apparently, there is some online porn footage from Merthyr where, during a particularly “lively” scene, a voice, off camera, is heard,

“Lovely.... that’s the ‘ammer!!”

And they say romance is dead.......

*AN INSPECTOR CALLS*

I sometimes wonder if the only worthwhile aspect of an inspection is to keep ex-teachers off the streets......

*THAT’S A BIG F***ING ELEPHANT!!*

It’s way beyond an “elephant in the room”. This particular elephant is the size of the UK. What about ‘gameplan’? What about ‘complex negotiations’? What about ‘nuance’?? What about ‘levelling-up’ (whatever the f*** that is...) What about ‘new opportunities’ ???

How about we just keep out-and-out corruption under the spotlight. Most especially if it’s your own government.

There’s your f***ing elephant........

*PEOPLEWATCH*

Keep your Winterwatch or Springwatch, let’s have “Peoplewatch ”, based in a town centre in the Valleys......

...and there’s Tommy Two-Teeth, usually active after lunch, hunting for the next can of Special Brew. Don’t be fooled by his posture, mimicking an elderly chimp carrying two bags of heavy shopping, as he can move very quickly, in short bursts, guided by a left eye that just wants to do it’s own thing; possibly explaining the facial bruising.....

...look; a herd of Bus Passengers, making their way to the bus terminal.... “terminal” being the key word. Sometimes, they will wait hours for their quarry- a fully functioning bus.....

...we see small groups gather in cafes, mainly to discuss the weather or give a graphic account of their latest ailments or medical procedure.... while someone slowly pushes away a half-eaten pie on the next table...

...and now, coming into view, is Dai Ding-Dong in his ice cream van, blaring chimes to make your ears bleed, and providing a lucrative sideline in Class B amongst the flakes and sprinkles, giving orders for a cone a whole new dimension........

*THE STATE OF IT ALL..*

*BUS BINGO*

When it all went private, they said it would improve things considerably, but bus services in my little corner of the world are now like a lottery. It’s often as if they’re spinning a Roulette wheel to decide which bus actually turns up. And those natty TV displays, showing what should be a timetable, may aswell be written in hieroglyphics. Perhaps stream some quality porn, then the assembled hordes can thwack themselves senseless to alleviate the agonising wait between buses. (It would get a bit slippy under foot, however. )

*...AND THEN....*

Speaking of the “assembled hordes”, do beware of conversation with some individuals.........

After the second bus failed to turn up, most of us were a bit down in spirits, so the woman behind me thought this would be the perfect, uplifting icebreaker ,

“It’s awful, isn’t it... all you hear about these days is people dying..”

In the context of the bus-based twattery, these were alarming words.

As motivational speaking goes, she was the f***ing Antichrist. When each sluggish, lazy word slowly oozed from her randomly-toothed mouth, I could actually feel my very soul dropping out of my arse.

 “F*** my life...we’re doomed..”, I thought..

It's been an interesting day....

*BRITAIN/                SHITAIN*

*A GRAND DAY OUT*

On a teachers’ strike day, where do you go?
Ponty, of course.........
For balance, Spud and I did have a most excellent meal in a local, family run Italian restaurant, and he did, overall, enjoy the park. However........
The bus station was like a Heironymus Bosch (without the laughs), with added drug use and guttural noises, mainly from people who looked like they’d been dug up.
The bus there and back will now be known as “The Boneshaker”.

*A SNAPSHOT OF THE UK : Unbelievable Krap*

How far we’ve come in the last few years.... the UK continues to thrash it’s own parts with that barbed-wire glove.

Looking around, I’m about as optimistic as a Tourettes sufferer with his cock in the mouth of a sleeping lion. It’s predictably grim.........

• GB News. A few minutes of this celluloid news-feltch does make you wonder if we’re one swastika short of a Reich.

• Our Government: step back, look at the big picture........ yes; that really is our “Government”.

• Boris has now gone “full Trump”. Logic and rationale no longer a requirement (..if any has been there at any point?).

• Price of everything going ever upwards, but like continental drift, so most never notice it enough... until the eviction..

• Welsh Rugby- no comment needed.

• Even the weather seems to have got bored with it all..........

*RIP: WELSH RUGBY*

Welsh Rugby has always had a knack of turning a crisis into something even worse, and so it's proving at the moment.
Maybe; just maybe; this time will see, at long last, the long-awaited breaking of the shackles of an amateur mindset, and the WRU finally being run on professional lines.
However, as is always the case in these things, it'll be a long and very painful road.
The WRU operates a bit like monkeys running the Large Hadron Collider.
ie: it can't possibly end well, as we're seeing.

*PRAISE BE.....*

Owen's brief flirtation with Islam appears to be over. It seemed to be very Haribo-dependant, to be fair, with Haribo winning out.
(His first excuse was "but I'm not Muslim for another ten minutes!")

*SCHOOL'S OUT..*

Indeed. What a sight on Friday evening; thousands of burned-out teachers scurrying up and down the wine & beer aisles, stripping them bare, like a plague of locusts. Allegedly.

HAPPY DAYS......

*THERE'S A MINISTERIAL CODE?!?*

Apparently, there is. And rarely used, apparently...
So get into politics, become an MP, and join the one profession (..other than some sections of our police force..) where you can pretty-much do whatever the f*** you want..

*TORY TOP TIPS*

A few nuggets of information that could almost be real output from Tory HQ. Maybe some are?

● Bread will keep longer in a colder house. It doesn't sound like much, but over the months, imagine the savings you could make!
(.. and all the other hugely patronising energy-saving ads from people who can leave the heating on max in both of their homes and still have change for a Jag, partly enabled by their "expenses" being paid for by us lowly proles. What a f***ing honour that is)

● There's so much to see in Britain! Don't bother with those dodgy foreign countries, full of stupid people who talk funny. They're all plotting against us, particularly those evil Europeans. Anyway, everything is worse everywhere else, so stick to Britain. A bit like America, where they've got that whole thing sussed.

● You don't need those troublesome "rights". They just get in the way of progress and slow us down.
Remember: "Arbeit macht frei" !

● All those new, special laws to make us great again can now be railroaded through, without those meddling EU courts getting in the way. We've got your back, Britain!

● You can't beat that incredible feeling of sovereignty we now have. Breathe it in, patriots!

● LOOK! SQUIRREL!!!

OLD FAVOURITES..

*LEGLESS MR INCREDIBLE & CO*

I haven't mentioned a popular supermarket chain for a while......
So, Tesco provided some interesting sights today..
Like the fella hulking around the aisles, moving like a Ray Harryhausen monster;
a monolithic upper body, but legs that looked like trainers attached to long laces. Odd look, to be fair.
Or the dire state of much of the fruit and veg section. Some trays looked like malevolent lifeforms.
"Customer announcement: please avoid the Cabbage Monster in aisle 3.."
To be fair, the Cucumber Creature would be a much bigger worry.....

*THAT road..*

The A470 has, lately, avoided my ire, but that ended this week....
Once again, it is like an asphalt arse-stain of shittyness, from the gusset and right up the bumcrack of Wales.

THE YEAR SO FAR..

*TIMMY THE TOOL*

Wankspangle-in-Chief Tim Martin now has to close around 40 of his beloved chain of pub-slums because of, amongst other things, the stunning triumph of Brexit. This braindead Klingon nonce could easily be the dictionary definition of "wanker".

*JEREMY F***ING CLARKSON... AGAIN...*

Can he go away now, maybe? It's difficult to understand how a such a toxic, misogynistic f***nugget is still working in the media..... oh, hang on........
No doubt he'll pop up on GBNews at some point, where all truth, decency, logic, common sense and general kindness go to die.... he'll blend in perfectly.
He's like a bloated mannequin of sausage meat, squeezed into boots, jeans and a leather jacket.... if you ever offer him a crisp or something, make sure you accurately describe the flavour, otherwise he might try to smash your face in.
A spunktrumpet of the highest order, then. And there are currently no treatments available on the NHS to extricate someone from their own arsehole......
But Gary Rottweiler; our friend in Southend; thinks he's great and "says it like it is",
in the same kind of way Trump did...

*OOPS...*

You know; the kind of "oops!" when you absent-mindedly leave a few million in your "other suit"....
The Ted Crilly-ism of "..it was just resting in my account" has already done the rounds. To be honest, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if Tories started batting-away questions on the latest tawdry scandal with "IT WAS AN ECUMENICAL AFFAIR!"

*TOKEN REGULATORY BODIES*

Ofgen, Ofwat, Ofcom........ in terms of the customer, wtf are they for, most of the time? Are they there to just simply "go through the motions"?
'Tis the British way. If the box is ticked on the form, 'tis done. As long as the paperwork is all in order, reality can go f*** itself. 

*IT'S RUGBY, JIM, BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT*

The seismic announcement regarding the laws of tackling will undoubtedly turn the game on it's head. And talking of heads; a lot more of them are going to meeting knees from now on.
If rugby keeps on down this road, I can envisage a time when players have to win a debate to secure the f***ing ball.

*STATING THE OBVIOUS..*

*RIGHT IN THE NUTSHELLS*

Current times, summed-up thus;

There's never enough money to afford what we need,

But there's always enough money to afford what they want.

*CRAPPY NEW YEAR*

*THE QUEUEING DEAD*

We've all been there. Long queue; somewhere like Costa, for example; one or two in the line ahead of you decide to ask about every f***ing item on the menu. The f***ing menu that's on the f***ing wall in front of them. I mean, it's got f***ing pictures too, to help.
These people are like coffee shop Death Eaters. You'll never get that time back.
There should be a strict time limit; if you can't manage to order within a minute or two, you're bundled out of the place by a SWAT team. And barred. Or shot.

*FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE..*

The Masked Singer is coming back. Fab.
And, for some unfathomable reason, I missed the Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas "Special"...
Two programmes that seemed to have only seen the light of day as a result of losing a bet. Brain injury surely has a hand in this, as no understanding of how things really work is evident. With regard to "Mrs Brown's..", it's about as comedic as shitting blood.

*MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG*

I see all the usual vacuous, empty platitudes and hysterically bold "promises" oozing out of the Conservatives, as we look through our fingers at 2023. The word "promises" lost all meaning back in 2016, and this repeating New Year scenario is tiring now. It's like an annual draining of an abscess, but without all the fun.

*RAIN*

-Need to evolve gills. And quickly.

1/1/2023

REVIEW of the YEAR..

*REVIEW OF THE YEAR*

Oh, my life..... where do you even start?!?

All I can do is bullet-point a few things.

So these are some of the things we've learned over the last twelve months....

*DISCLAIMER: IT REALLY ISN'T THAT FUNNY AND MAY, AT THE VERY, VERY LEAST, TEMPT YOU TO DOWN A PINT OF RAZOR BLADES, WITH A DOMESTOS CHASER....

* 'Seems pretty clear that British society will put up with absolutely ANYTHING to keep this illusion of "normality" that is the status quo. Sorry, but rampant poverty, dilapidation, hunger, and the gradual but unrelenting eradication of your human rights is anything but f***ing normal. 

If we were French, we would have burned the streets to the ground.

In 2017. 

* As I allude to above; if it happens slowly enough, we never give a shit. 

* OK, I'll make a concession; it's so good to have our freedom and sovereignty back....

(Except the sovereignty is the same, and if you think we're now "free", you've got a brain injury)

* Prices continue to rise. Across the board. A lot. And they ain't stopping anytime soon. At this rate, we'll all be junkies eventually, as hard drugs will be cheaper than food so you can be oblivious to everything until your untimely death from starvation. 

* The normalisation of where we are, as shown by a few recent newspaper articles, positing that the Tories, Sunak inparticular, are sort-of trying their best and the detractors aren't justified in their criticism. 

Oh, f*** off, for f***'s sake. It sounds deranged.

They're not the sole issue, but by Satan's ballsack, they've been a major factor. If your narrative goes against this, what the f*** is wrong with you?? The country is FUBAR, if you haven't noticed. And has been getting worse for the last few years. Stop making excuses, however healthy your bank balance is. Stop enabling this f***ery. 

IT IS MENTAL 

Well, that was light on laughs. Perhaps I've reached a nadir, and it's now just impossible to apply even the darkest humour to the situation we're clearly in. How f***ing funny is that? 

A quick summation of Broken Britain....

Trade - F***ED.

NHS - F***ED. 

Pensions (yeah, I know, but just you wait..) 

- will be F***ED.

Farming & Agriculture - F***ED.

Human rights - getting F***ED.

Democracy - F***ED (Proportional Representation, anyone?) 

Society - Not-Quite-F***ed-yet, but we're well into the foreplay....

The "Opposition"- ???? What Opposition??

The media - F***ERS. 

I'm sure I could find plenty more, but I have to protect what's left of my will to live. 

And the first person to as much as whisper "things can only get better" deserves a shovel in the face. 

Happy New Year to all....

31/12/2022

*HAIRY SHITBALLS EVERYONE!*

(..to the tune of a well-known Shakin' Stevens Christmas hit..) 

🎵🎶 Snow is fallout

          all around me,

          Mutant children

          eating crumbs..

          There's no reason,

           and no understanding,

           so hairy shitballs, everyone!

          Time for the homeless'

           extermination,

           People dying

           all night long,

           Time for peasants

           drinking treacly pisses,

            Time's run out for 

            all our wrongs..

             The bunker's good for a party 

             tonight,

            I'm gonna kiss that girl

            underneath the cameltoe,

           We'll fist by candlelight..

             The world is swaying

             from all the slaying,

            Too many old wrongs

            we still hold dear..

            All I wish that instead of just at

            Christmas,

            We lived a better life

            throughout the year..

            The bunker's good.........etc

             Snow is fallout.........etc

             Hairy shitballs everyone,

             圣诞节快乐 everyone,

             Ooh, С Рождеством everyone! 🎵🎶

             (Repeat until death..)

        24/12/2022   

*THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME..*

A few possible conversations yet to be had (although I can't guarantee that they haven't already happened..) 

"Dad, Granny won't come in from the garden. She's been there three days, won't answer me and she smells funny"

            "OK, we're out of fertilizer, so just push her on to the veg patch." 

"Where's the roast??"

              "Running around the garden, but we don't quite know what it is and haven't caught it yet."

"This clown we butchered tastes funny"

(Sorry, but I had to. It is Christmas, after all)

"Take these to the family living under the bridge, down by the canal"

             "What are they?"

" After Eight mints coated in cyanide - believe me; it's the most merciful present I can think of..." 

"After Hate" mints, anyone? 

*SPEAKING OF HATE......*

The Tories have declared that the nurses are "wilfully putting people in danger". Why not round up these useless, greedy healthcare professionals and stick them in care homes, as they seemed very effective slaughterhouses during the pandemic? 

No ethical or moral issues there, eh? 

Let's face it; these f***ers don't go anywhere near ethics or morals. 

So, this year, I'm kicking Christmas right in the baubles, and giving my local Tory councillor a tinsel enema..

Merry f***ing Christmas, y'all....

24/12/2022

*BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE *

*BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE..*

Britain freezes. Millions of gas and electricity meters are madly spinning bank balances into oblivion.
There is help , of course, but in a "Band-Aid on an arterial bleed" kind-of-way.....

*STRIKE ONE....."

Those wasters on strike, eh? Greedy, selfish bastards, the lot of 'em..
If you wanted pay rise upon pay rise, on tap, against a backdrop of soaring poverty and destitution,  then you should have become a politician. 

*BORIS..*

His legacy will continue for many years, because consequences of a man like that in a position of highest office are severe, far-reaching and long-lasting. As we can see. And will continue to see..
If we want to.

*IT'S STILL COLD OUTSIDE....*

What is it with so many men in the UK?? Any severe weather; particularly of a wintry nature; seems to be a signal to break out the shorts, flip-flops and T Shirt/vest and spend much of the day parading around the local Tesco/Asda etc......
Lads; if you're going down that bollock-brained avenue, then let's see flip-flops and a belt as a maximum; maybe a hat, at a push;  let's see a line of f***ing schlongs, like a cannibal's necklace of severed fingers,  bumping against the glass of the meat counter as you watch your reflections throw some manly shapes; let's see your f***ing lips turning blue and losing the use of your left arm as it dangles uselessly at your side, much like your rapidly retreating, blue-tinged cock; let's see group vomiting and the sprinklers going off as you bend over to get that last item at the bottom of your trolley...
Basically, if you're going to look like a complete f***ing lunatic, then do it properly,

Sorry. Not sure what happened, there......

 *(W) R U REAL??*

*(W) R U REAL?*

Look who's back........
Not Eminem, but a certain Warren Gatland, to take the beleaguered Welsh team through the 6 Nations and on to the World Cup. It might work. For a bit. But is just as likely to not work, this time, with all the different factors at play. And the WRU doesn't seem to be into self evaluation, particularly when things hit the skids, which is a hell of a shame, seeing as it's the organisation itself that is the ever-present,  overriding issue....
So not an overly funny entry... despite plenty of "comedy" on the park over the last twelve months...

*WINTER IS COMING*

It's taken it's time, but looks like we're about to see some real winter weather at last, with millions of Brits staring at their thermostats like it's the portal to hell.
Of course, there's no "portal to hell".....
The Conservatives sealed it shut after they came through.

*BRITAIN, 2050..*

General narrative...
"It's terrible that we've got to cannibalise family members to get by and constantly hide from local militia, but; you know; it just wouldn't be cricket to make a fuss. Chin up...  we're made of stern stuff, us Brits!"
How politically retarded can one country get, eh?

*WE WILL BREAK YOU*

The rhetoric from our current, ghastly administration keeps ploughing new ethical and moral depths. Our rights dissolving before our eyes; our right to protest being slowly erased; our bigotry being ably massaged by the rancid media arm of these crooks; in essence, the full realisation of Project Fear.....This time next year, we'll look back and wonder how on earth we managed without Braverman's Thought Police.......

*HERE IT F***ING COMES....*

Yep. It's already here. A smashing two month Christmas, that now starts on Nov 1st. It's highly likely that some households will get themselves evicted in the New Year as already-insane January electricity bills go into orbit, due to light displays that can be seen from the moon.
But there's so much else to look forward to..

Preparing Christmas dinner could bankrupt you.

Thousands of families will save on travel costs, as they're staying at home this year, to enjoy being frozen and quite dead in front of the telly. Which they'd probably been using as a heat source.

Many families, faced with impending Armageddon, may decide, "F*** it, let's blow everything on the mother of all sex & drugs parties. We're f***ed, either way.. kids in bed by nine, of course..."

The only "shops" left will be foodbanks, and most of them will be largely empty..

The Senedd rules that the words "Welsh" and "rugby" cannot be used in the same sentence, until further notice..

Enough pep talk from me, though. I'm sure it'll all be sunlit uplands.........

*CWPAN Y BYD*

*CWPAN Y BYD*

So it's here; the World Cup, in all it's corrupt, staged, contradictory, homophobic glory.
England have already "brought it home", in many minds......
But the battle of the anthems is a foregone conclusion- they'll be selling tickets at
Wales games just to hear Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau. And rightly so. However, good as our anthem is, the fellas on the pitch clearly were not, playing the game like they had shit in their eyes. Fair play to Iran, and I think it was the right result in the context of the entire Iranian squad facing the prospect of being "mismanaged" during the trip home..

Irrespective of the sterile England/USA game, I fear Wales v England will be like a chiwhwawa trying to shag an angry Conor McGregor's ankle.

EDIT: And so it proved...... but we won the anthems, hands down..

*EGGCHASING EXCREMENT*

Meanwhile, back in Wales, our national rugby team has been tasked with rediscovering what rugby actually is and trying to do it right. Only Wales seem to have the ability to go up and down the rankings like a bungee rope. It's getting to the point where Grav may well crawl out of his grave to "sort it out"..
Warbs is absolutely right, unfortunately. The only way forward is to tear the whole lot down and rebuild. But, as he also says, it's very, very unlikely to happen..
Apart from the odd purple patch, Welsh rugby will remain a "shitshow".
For Australia, Wales will take things to their logical conclusion and form a tunnel to their try line for 80 minutes.

EDIT:  I didn't bloody mean that last bit! And certainly not in the last twenty minutes!?!

*HOW TO BE A MANLY TWAT*

The days have drawn in. The temperature drops. The weather is on the "utter shit" setting.....
It's obviously a clarion call to many Welsh menfolk to don their special winter uniform of flip-flops, shorts and t-shirt/vest.
Except that it doesn't come across as alpha male; more like "Gabalfa male".
It also comes across as "thicker than shit".

*ZZBLHHHGTRVBSWIBBLE*

.....which is probably a fair representation of Brexshit at the moment. Lord Moylan was active on Twitter, recently; very enthusiastically defending the Brexit "success story", and clearly sniffing glue inbetween tweets. The Tories' scorched-earth politics continues.
They are our Nero.
And we are their Rome..

*DEAD MAN(KIND) WALKING*

*DEAD MANKIND WALKING *

In more cheery news, the next great extinction is already in full swing. It started years ago, while everyone was arguing (and, predictably,  still are..) whether climate change et al were real things.
We've been like someone checking how sharp their knife is, by stabbing themselves in the chest, finding it does indeed seem to be quite sharp, and repeating ; to check initial findings, while they bleed out..
We're now counting out time, and in "we'll see ourselves out" territory.
It's a classic British approach to things,
"Hush, now. We don't want a fuss!"
Which is just aswell, because E.L.E.s are never particularly fussy. 

*THE BEAUTIFUL GAME*

The World Cup starts in earnest in a few days. Which means nothing else will happen over the next few weeks. And I can think of no more a deserving country than Qatar, one of the friendliest, cuddliest, kindest countries on Earth.

*IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME..*

I see councils across the land are feverishly getting ready for Christmas. On November 18th. Curious...
I mean, nothing allays our fears of a f**ktacularly desperate winter than some natty, animated light displays, a plethora of German sausage stalls and a f***ing Ferris wheel.

*ELEPHANTS*

Elephants. Filling rooms, seemingly everywhere. Many have surely died, given how long they've been in those rooms..
And never meaningfully acknowledged.
We, as a species, have disappeared up our own arse, leaving explicit instructions for that figurative sphincter to be brutally fisted by an angry gorilla wearing diamond-tipped knuckle-dusters. It's as if we've binged on every post-apocalyptic, dystopian scenario ever devised by author or filmmaker, and given the challenge "..bet you can't beat any of that"..
..and we've glibly said, "oh, ffs; hold my pint...."
Figuratively, we're just a sneeze or a cough away from completely shitting ourselves, possibly tearing our beleaguered little brown eye to shreds; sat in our collective, shit-filled underwear, waiting for the Sepsis Express to take us to eternity.
What a way to go......
And now to the depressing stuff.....

Listening to a news bulletin on a national radio station this week.....
It was a section on the stratospheric rise in the price of food over the last two years.
But ending in a throwaway, jovial tone.
All you need to f***ing know, eh?
Stomach-churning.

Interviews with politicians; Conservatives in particular; are now not so much like a car crash, but more like dropping a nuke on the M25 in rush hour. Lying is the standard, with the golden rule: "If they point out your sledgehammer lies, lie some more".

They're remaking The Man Who Wasn't There, but with the definitive lead man for the role; Kier Starmer.
* also in line for the Invisible Man reboot, with special effects only needed to render him visible....
(Stage name: " Kieth Stormer")

If depressed, do not continue reading.......

Planet Earth. Next tuesday. 

*HEY, RISHI!*

Now, the whole representation thing can't be ignored, but the bigger picture shows a terrible backdrop. For many Asians living in Britain now, it must be like getting your dream car, but finding it's covered in shit, the engine's been removed and the keys are hidden up Rupert Murdoch's arse.

*WHERE AM I?*

Liz Truss, the only PM that, for her entire lettuce-based tenure, wore a permanent expression of that moment when you've walked into a room and forgotten why you went there. She almost induced mild panic in viewers when on air for more than a few seconds, such was her assured grip on things. Like a jellyfish trying to assemble flat-packed furniture......

*HANCOCK*

No; very much not the Will Smith superhero movie, but rather the former Health Minister of this loathesome administration who is now trying to reinvent himself as "Wipe-clean Matt" on a "reality" TV show that has as much to do with actual reality as Donald Trump's brain. 

It comes across as toe-curlingly desperate, yet many saying things like "he comes across very well"/ "give him a chance", " etc etc, which nicely illustrates where we are as a nation. The growing amount of whack-a-doodle political thinking in the UK is now slightly shit-scary. You must be right if you're on the right, and the left are all 'woke' lunatics. The "Fool Britannia" label looks like it might stick...

*WALLACE & GOURMET*

The latest series of Masterchef is in full flow, with a yet-breathier narration from Sean Pertwee. It's intriguing. You have to wonder if he's not banging one out at that perfectly risen souffle or that flawless consommé.
There's Marcus Wareing, watching over all like a slightly sinister portrait that you usually find staring down the main staircase in a stately home.
There's Gregg, shouting at regular intervals and making various strange yummy noises.
And a stunt-Monica (or replacement??)
In fact, you could cross Marcus Wareing with Gordon Ramsey, and still call him Marcus Swearing.
I thank you. 

*A LINE IN THE SAND*

A quick message from the Tories, giving you tough lovin' since 2010.......

Are you OK with tanking the economy? Repeatedly?
We've got this..
Fond of vilifying immigrants?
We've got this..
Possess a collective soul that even Hell would spit out?
We've got this..
Fond of being increasingly f***ed-over by an inhumane system you inexplicably keep voting for?
We've got your back..
Are you cool with open criminality?
We've got this..
Not worked out the futility of your present existence?
Don't you worry about a thing..

...we don't do 'lines in the sand", so when we see one....
...we just excavate the entire beach and ship it to Rwanda.. job's a good 'un; happy days.....

BRITAIN. WE'RE F***ING GREAT, WE ARE!👍

HITLER'S COCK

*HITLER'S COCK*

A fair analogy of our ill-fated departure from the EU would be ...
Successfully selling "Hitler's cock in a jar" on Ebay, where the buyer didn't even question the "Quantity required" button at the checkout.......

*EGG-CHASING EMBOLISM*

'Looking forward to the Autumn Series as much as prolonged root canal work via my arse. The first match will be particularly hysterical.

*WINTER IS COMING........EVENTUALLY *

Just after the screening of Frozen Planet II, the weather underlines it all by refusing to play seasons and just stay ridiculously warm. But the portents are not good, as the likes of The Mail and Express haven't printed any "snowmageddon" predictions, which usually guarantee a mild, uneventful winter.

...BACK IN SEPTEMBER, 2020....

*IT'S ALL BOLLOCKS NOW*

Wow. What a week! Which is, by recent standards, really saying something. As The Mash Report flagged up yesterday, "nothing matters anymore". Watching events unfold (or "unravel") was like the ultimate surreal experience.

There's Drumpf : there he is, big, orange and stupid; addressing an audience on current affairs and seemingly boring HIMSELF witless. That expression he generally wears; it's fascinating. Like a cross between someone who's just downed a pint of vinegar and someone who's just shit themselves. It would have been the smoothest of segues if he had just carried on repeating the word "bigly" while staring into the distance, until the audience went away. Or died.
I so wanted Greta to suddenly develop superpowers (other than the ones she clearly already possesses..) as she stared at the tumourous orange thing and shoot lazer-beams out of her eyes; blasting the orange blob out of existence.

And, lo! There's big ol' Boris! Standing there in front of a baying gallery of grotesques, looking like someone threw some facial features and a wig onto a huge block of partially-melted cheese, then hastily stuffed it into a suit. His delivery sounded like a recording of a pig on meth snuffling for truffles, interjected by long words, Latin and plenty of insanely obscure/tenuous references and connections. With every word I could actually hear reality break.

After a few minutes of sitting with my mouth open, trying to take in this spectacle, I turned over to Nat Geographic. Some chimps were having hierarchical disagreements, resulting in a lot of noise, shit-flinging, violence and a smidge of dismemberment. In comparison, it seemed far more constructive than what I'd watched from The Commons. One of the chimps may have actually been called Boris.
It's the mass-rejection of reality and fact that gets me in all this. The general political and media picture seems to have the same grip on reality as someone trying to tie their laces after dipping their fingers in a blender.
You only need look at any comment thread to relevant posts on social media to quickly realise the collective mental health of the nation. Regarding Boris, one commentator posted "..but Boris has got "Karisma" (..as posted).
Oh, thank f*** for that. For a moment there, I thought he was unfit for office, but if he's got Karisma .....
Another bloke had a lot of that, funnily enough. It was a while ago, in Germany. But I doubt there's too many Germans today who think that whole thing went well.

A video has 'gone viral' in the past week or two, showing a doctor highlighting the dangers of medicine shortages should we crash out with no deal. A member of the public chips in with his disagreement; stating he'd be prepared to die to get Brexit done. ....what?
This particular, very vocal demographic seem to exhibit the exact same logic as someone who would be more than happy to go into hospital to have that very dangerous, but tiny brain tumour removed in a challenging procedure. ...by Jerry, from Ward 6, who lost his hands in an accident. And suffers the full symptoms of advanced Parkinson's (presumably because he can't get the cannabinoid oil he needs to give him some semblance of normal life...). The same demographic are very fond of the word "snowflake"; often used to make some kind of non-existent point or whatever.

But I like snowflakes. They're literally very cool. And unique. And when enough of them get together, they can stop an army. Ask any veteran from the Russian Front...Snowflakes have power too, you know.......

*PRETENTIOUS CULINARY TERMS*

The invention of ever more ridiculous culinary terms in high-end dining seems to be reaching a peak these days.

Fast-forward to a "posh" restaurant in 2030.......

"Ah, welcome madam and sir; 

May I reccomend the shag of beef sirloin, coupled with a delightful bell-end of root vegetables, a nerf of mushroom and a subtle ejaculation of thyme gravy, followed by a brawl of berries with a wankered cream reduction" 

Yum. 

What I often expect to see in the mirror.